Family,
And a good evening you to from the Queen City, where the Bull and Striker are sitting on the couch during a “non-football” evening and trying to get caught up on things. I mention that because the pace of life recently seems to have found its way into warp drive, and that is largely the focus of this blog. And no – I don’t intend for this to be a “woe is me” post by any stretch of the imagination, as I am blessed beyond measure. However, given the emotions running through me at present, I do feel it appropriate (and necessary) to capture them the best way I know how – via the written word.
As of this past Saturday, the Sneetch rolled 19 months – NINETEEN MONTHS. I just cannot believe it. Folks, our daughter, our teeny little angel that was so small when she first arrived on planet Earth that the bassinet seemed to dwarf her, is now clearly toddling and barely fits into her crib (to say nothing of the pack ‘n play, which is now largely used as stuffed animal storage). In fact, I’ll do one better, as my stepfather Steve rightly pointed out this past weekend – “she’s not toddling any more. She’s RUNNING.” It’s so true. K’s actually now working on walking backwards and has actually taken quite a shine to that. It seems as though walking backwards (and using the newly discovered muscles it entails) has proven quite fun, and she’s doing it at the expense of her health and safety – occasionally crashing into walls. J
She’s also made the leap to walking down the stairs (assisted of course, but she does NOT want daddy to carry her anymore). She can’t reach the rail yet, but she’s become quite adept at using the wall to support her. And whenever there is a rail that she can leverage, she is very capable of motoring down on her own. She’s even taking the half step now in stride in the bonus room – a certain sign that her height, strength, and confidence are all increasing.
On the word front, it’s CRAZY to see how many words she can now identify. We borrowed “Rocket’s Mighty Words” from the library a few weeks back, and she can now identify every word in that book. The same is true with an ABC book from the Hitman clan – very exciting to watch this mental development. The highlight of the week was when I said, “Where is the red car?” and watched her point at it. I then said “where is the white car,” at which point she looked at my mom’s car in the driveway and correctly identified that – very exciting! Apparently Bob has also taught her the number 1, and my stepdad started working on letters this past weekend. I need to do a better job of some of that stuff, as I think I keep forgetting that it’s essential to start with the building blocks before jumping to more advanced concepts. It seems my tendency of “accidental parenting” knows no limits… Oh, and K can now say “Shhhhhhh” – Jenny taught her this when she walks into my office and I’m on a call. It’s pretty darn cute, I must say.
As for the week itself, it was another great one, even if it was a whirlwind. K is very much in a “mommy mode” right now, and she really wanted nothing to do with me the entire week. And while that’s not been too out of the ordinary, this past week she didn’t even want daddy to read to her. In fact, whenever JT made the move to hand her to me for bedtime stories, K would go CRAZY and start screaming “mama mama mama mama” – real tears streaming down her face the entire time. Fingers crossed that’s just a phase – which I truly feel to be the case given that I read to her last night. I know poor Jenny felt sorry for me, but hey – these things happen. J
That being said, invariably it does make you think about things and how your daughter views you. This in turn leads to self introspection about how you behave around her and how you’ve established your priorities in life. Couple that with an increased workload, increased commute time, and two straight weekends away from K, and you have a guy who’s spent quite a bit of time lately thinking about the man he is, wants to be, and wants to be viewed by his daughter. And while I’m not sure I’ve figured out the answers to any of these questions, they have dominated my thoughts lately – during my drive in (and out), while on the treadmill, and especially as I type these blogs.
Now don’t get me wrong – I do feel like I’m a good father. I believe that Jenny and Kaitlyn should be the top priority in my life, and I hope and pray that my actions have reflected that (in their eyes at least). I feel proud that, as a husband and father, I’m able to support the family, as there has been nothing more rewarding than watching Jenny and Kaitlyn grow together and forge such an inseparable bond over these past months. I feel like we are working hard to keep K safe yet challenged, keep her growing in the right directions, and showing her what a loving home should be. I also feel like we’ve improved our diets so that we can show her what good eating habits are (as well as stay healthier longer to make sure we’re around for many years to come). On all of these fronts, I feel good – it’s just that nagging feeling that I could be doing more.
There is a great article that’s passed around “mommy circles” entitled “They’re growing up and I’m missing it,” talking about how difficult it is to balance the demands of work, family, and everything else in this day and age. And while I’m very blessed to have a job that lets me work from home, offers great vacation, provides a good income, and offers an excellent health plan, there is still the reality that many things pull at my time, and there is that feeling that at times my mind drifts, taking me out of the moment when I’m with my family. Now I think part of that has been my traveling for fun these last 2 weeks, but some of it centers around my priorities and what I choose to do with my time.
As is true for everyone, free time is limited. JT and I have been blessed to have evenings free still for dinner and relaxation, but there’s no question that the amount of time (and windows of time) have condensed. Some things have been easy to drop – TV shows we weren’t super-interested in, reading (because I still get some time on business trips), movies, etc – but there’s been a big one that has left me spinning: exercise.
Long story short – if I’m going to get a workout in, it’s gotta be in the morning. And if I have to drive into work, there will be no workout on that day. 6-8 months ago, this wasn’t an
issue, as I wasn’t training for anything and really just wanted to stay healthy. Now, however, I’m finally back in shape, shaving minutes off my half marathon time and even increasing my weights. And therein lies the rub, as I’m now realizing that some of these workouts will have to drop. Unless I can fit them in at lunch (becoming increasingly tricky), they won’t make the cut, as NOTHING can interfere with my family time in the evening. This means that my times will slide a bit, my arms will go back to being a bit flabbier, and I’ll actually get more sleep (so there are benefits!). What has been a herculean endeavor mentally is to realize that NO ONE CARES about my times and bench stats except me, and I won’t even remember them in a year’s time. I’m struggling with it still, as this isn’t how I’m wired. However, I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have limits, and that’s ok. I’m still doing what I want to do – I just may not ever post another PR (which let’s be honest – was NEVER going to happen anyway). |
| K having a reunion with the Rev. |
The other thing I need to do is shoot more video footage. I had lunch with a buddy this
week, and he told me that, on the night before his daughter went to college, they sat down as a family and watched all the video they had of her growing up. I thought this was an AMAZING idea, and consequently I’m trying to clear as much space as possible to shoot K’s big moments that I’m realizing I DO NOT want to take for granted: walking with “big bear” through the house, changing “baby’s” diaper, trying to jump (getting close!), laughing when she plays with mommy – bouncing on her leg, dressing as a ghost, whatever the occasion. Her smile is SO CUTE now, and there is nothing like walking into her room in the morning when she’s just woken up and is happy as a clam. These are the moments that I take for granted now but I know will fly, and I MUST commit them to memory and video before the moment escapes.
Rounding out the week was a visit from Grammie and Grand Pooh, which was HEAVEN for Kaitlyn. She started calling my mom Nana, and I’m not sure if that means she’s got the 2 grandmothers confused or if she knows both are grandparents. She can point to “Pooh” when asked (that’s my stepdad), and she is definitely comfortable with and LOVES her grandparents. She was DESPERATE for “Nana” Thursday evening and Friday – didn’t even make a peep when we walked out the door! She also cried out for “Nana” after she left, a sure sign that she’s now fond of her grandparents. This THRILLS us, as it will make some future travel decisions much easier.
So there you have it, a cathartic and long-winded epistle from a father who’s trying to find his place in the new world order and hopefully doing the right things as a husband and father. It is a balancing act that I expect will continue all my days, and I feel fortunate and privileged to be afforded this opportunity. Watch this space, as I expect you’ll hear more from Sammy the Bull as he redefines his limits and self-expectations in 2015 and beyond. The bottom line for me is that they grow up fast – and I intend to have NO REGRETS about how I treated/made memories with my family. That will take me accepting that I need to be smarter in everything I do, and I intend to make that happen – starting now.
Love,
Sam (just me this time, as the opinions of the author are solely his own and do not reflect those of the parent company J)
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