The best way to BLOW YOUR MIND - a childbirth class...

Team Taylor Countdown:  37 Days until due date

Family,

And a good afternoon to you from the Queen City.  So I know I've been out of pocket, but it was quite the busy weekend.  Friday night and Sunday nights both involved Dinner with Friends, and Saturday was a quiet dinner in.  The day was a milestone, however, as Jenny and I went to our first ever childbirth class.  In a world, well, WOW...

We woke up at 7:15 to find it SNOWING and 28 degrees outside - seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  It's MARCH, for crying out loud!  When does the spring get here?  Did that damn gopher see his shadow or something?  Never before in my life have I been so ready for spring.  I think it's just the fact that I've actually got trees, flowers, bushes, and a yard this year, and I want to see if I actually did anything right with all of my pruning, shearing, pinching, edging, mowing, raking (basically everything but seeding and sowing.  You know, the two things you are ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO DO TO YOUR YARD IN WINTER).  No matter what, it should be entertaining.  And it's not like the appearing is going to keep out the ants, so that's guaranteed to be a party...

We're out the door by 8:15 and into the parking deck at CMC-Main (Baby T, if you're reading this in 2043 and curious, that's where you were born), where we wander over and head up to the 8th floor (the maternity ward).  Jenny and I had previously done a tour of the ward and were quite impressed (my favorite aspect of the floor is the fact that the baby gets LO-JACKED at birth.  If anyone passes certain sensors, the entire floor goes into lockdown ("Elsa, the knight warned us not to break the seal!") - it's quality.  Think of it as a SuperMax facility with diapers and fresh air.  :-)

The class was from 9-4 with an hour for lunch, but the majority of the day was spent preparing mom's for "the miracle of child birth."  Let me try and summarize what I saw of how the miracle breaks down:

1. You drop something called a "mucus plug" into your panties at some point, and then your nether region basically becomes a faucet.

2. A few minutes/hours/days after that, your "bag of waters" breaks, drowning any household pets sitting in your lap.

3.  You then begin screaming uncontrollably as your uterus starts cramping and trying to force a watermelon out of something the size of a garden hose.

4.  You cuss your partner incessantly for "doing this to you" while you a) walk around the hospital with an IV (screaming), b) slow dance in the hallway with your partner (screaming), c) roll around on a birthing ball (which is really just a sit-up ball, and oh, by the way - you are screaming, or d) lay in bed with tears flowing down your cheeks (you guessed it - screaming).  

5.  You then watch the delivery, something to quote Jefe Donkey "you can never un-see."  Yep - that sounds about right.

6.  You start a recovery process that includes zero sleep, zero sex, tons of worry, some depression, and lots of dollar signs.

But then, luckily, all the girls breathe a sigh of relief when the instructor says, "Now let's watch a sample birth with the epidural."  And behold, what do we see?

1.  A woman in mild discomfort.

2.  A woman asleep for 12 hours.

3.  A husband asleep for 12 hours.

4.  No shouting.

5.  A few pushes.

6.  A crown (WOW).

7.  A Happy, drugged up family.

Seriously, of the probably 200 questions we had, at least 197 of them were about "when can I have the epidural."  Honestly, I might even request the thing myself - it looks AWESOME.  And on a complete tangent - why has NO ONE ever told me that the mother has to "pass the placenta" as well?  Dude - I was NOT ready for that.

All I can say is "Nine Fine Irishmen"...and DOLLAH, YO!!!

We packed our lunch (not sure how I was able to eat), and we were treated to a group of violinists playing in the lobby.  They were fantastic, and I have to admit that I had quite the good morning.  The afternoon was filled with massages (even I got one), some breathing techniques, and a list of about 48,000 things you need to know when the Baby arrives at your house.  Yeah, the word overwhelming doesn't quite cut it.  That being said, the class was FANTASTIC, and I really, really do think I learned a ton.  The most interesting tidbits for me were around how to keep the baby warm (whatever you have on plus one layer), what the house temperature should be, how to properly swaddle a baby, and all that jazz.  Granted, I still have NO CLUE how to change a diaper, but something tells me Granna and the nurses will help me figure it out.  Side note - my mother says that she LOVED changing my diapers (insert the "well, I'm sure she got plenty of practice, because you are certainly full of shit" joke here) - not sure if I'll share that genetic disposition.

CPR this week, and then that's it for the classes.  However, all the baby clothes are now washed, so we're continuing to make progress!

Love,

Sam and Jenny