A day to remember and a day to forget - Team Taylor hits the reset button...

Age of Lady Kaitlyn:  2 years, 2 months, and 17 days

Status of T2:  no longer with us but forever in our hearts

Family,

And a good evening to you from the Queen City.  This will be a quick one, but in the spirit of fresh

beginnings, I wanted to first wrap up this brief, unfortunately, and tough chapter in our lives before returning this post to its true purpose - celebrating life and raising our daughter.  Before I can course correct and return to what I've deemed "happy blogging," however, I did want to catalogue what was, as expected, a tough day for Team Taylor - Jenny having a D & C.

To say that my emotion and sadness has been fully spent would be not only erroneous but a betrayal to the loss I feel.  However, as so much of my heart and soul was poured into the last post, I think this one will be more clinical.  Truth be told, I've tried to approach it as thought it were more a project issue than  a family one, which I think has helped me be strong and keep it together.  And while I'm sure it will all hit me in a few days, today I was proud I was able to keep it together.  Now I just hope and pray that I can continue to be the rock that Jenny and Kaitlyn need during this period where our emotions try to catch up with our bodies (I'll credit the doctor for that quote).

Looking back over the last 24 hours, things have been nothing short of crazy.  We went to the clinic yesterday for a final ultrasound, where it was confirmed that T2 hadn't progressed.  He/she was still sitting at 5.5 weeks, the yolk sack was still sitting at 9.2 weeks, and debris was now visible within the uterus.  Jenny was starting to spot, and all signs seemed to confirm what we expected.

So imagine our surprise when, out of the blue, the technician says, "So you're not going to believe this, but I think there's a faint heartbeat.  It's slow - only every 2-3 seconds, but I think it's there."  Three words for you when JT and I heard this:  WORST. CASE.  SCENARIO.  We then spent an hour waiting on the doctor, all the while kicking around the inconceivable - were we going to have to make a choice to potentially abort a living fetus?  None of it made sense, and the next hour was pretty miserable.

Our doctor then came in and confirmed that the flicker, while looking potentially like a heartbeat, was in fact something called an artifact (which we think is the echo of Jenny's heartbeat).  She confirmed nothing was viable and that (most likely) the cells had likely just stopped developing.  After that reassurance, we moved onto the next phase of the equation - preparing for the D & C.

The D & C was this morning at 10:30 AM.  We were up at 6:15, out the door at 7, at the hospital at 8, and then into surgery at 10:30.  Let me say first off that Presby Main continues to be a PHENOMENAL institution.  The staff was fantastic, and Jenny's treatment was world class from start to finish.  As with Kaitlyn's delivery, I can't say enough good things about how she was treated, looked after, and made to feel important.  Everyone that came in knew why she was there and offered their condolences.  Everyone knew their work well and explained it in terms we could both understand, taking time to both answer our questions and give us information in digestible chunks throughout the day.  It was, in short, the best medical experience you could have asked for under the circumstances.

Success...and a freezing Floridian covered
in 5 blankets for post-op.

When they whisked JT away for surgery (second time I've seen it - I can confirm it doesn't get any easier), I was sent down to the waiting room, where the boards and the staff kept me up to date as Jenny progressed through surgery into recovery (the whole procedure was 10-15 minutes).  I passed the time reading, and all in all I felt pretty calm.  I will say that it was a little tough hearing Brahm's lullaby 5 times while in the waiting room (that's what they play every time a baby is born), but at the same time I am elated for those parents, as I remember the joy I felt when it was our turn to hear it played for K.

The doctor spoke to me after it was all over, and about 1 hour later I was rejoined with Jenny - a little loopy and groggy but in very good spirits.  Shortly thereafter we made our way to Panera (right by the old haunt), and by 2:30 PM we were back home, where JT got a nap and we spent a lazy afternoon with K.  I should credit a special thanks to Jenny's mom for spending last night and most of today with Kaitlyn - she was a LIFESAVER, and I really don't know what we would have done without her.

All things being equal, we've held it together pretty good this evening.  Yes, there have been a few tears, but why shouldn't there be?  As Jenny's doctor told us yesterday, "Yes, he or she is only 5 weeks old, but that's still your child."  And at this risk of breaking down as I type this, I will say that was the part that hit home for me yesterday.  I think that's when the reality and the loss and the sheer magnitude of what had just happened (and at the time was about to happen) hit me.  We had a little miracle in the making, and just like that he or she (call me crazy, but I think it was a he) was gone.

And now it's back to our little miracle...
who's discovered the infant swing again...

I absolutely believe things happen for a reason, and I know my place is not to question why or what went wrong.  Instead, I want to focus on getting Jenny healthy (uterus and foot), getting myself healthy and in as good a shape possible, enjoying this continued special time with Kaitlyn as a Team of 3, realizing how truly blessed we are, and preparing myself mentally for the next round of trying.  We have to wait 2 cycles before we can try again, which means it will likely be August before we have another shot (and so September or October before we have news).  But the good news is that the new journey has started - Team Taylor has officially hit the "reset" button, and I am very confident that someday Team Taylor will be party of 4 (or 5, 6, who knows?  JUST KIDDING WIFE MUFFIN!!!).

And so there it is - the post that closes out a somber 8 days in the life of Team Taylor.  And while I know there will still be some ups and downs in the coming days (like receiving the shirt we ordered for K that says "Promoted to Big Sister effective December 2015), the bottom line is that we're doing ok and just ready to get back on the horse.

Jenny - I expect you'll likely be in tears by the time you get to this point.  Just remember how much I love you, how proud I am of you, how amazed I continue to be every day by your quiet strength, and most importantly - God loves you.  We will get through this as we've gotten through any and every obstacle in the past - we'll get through it because we've got each other, and soul mates can overcome anything.

Chat with you all again when I'm back from Santiago - I promise the next post will be happier!

Love,

Sam and Jenny