Age of T2: potentially somewhere between 5-9 weeks
Family,
And a Happy Memorial Day to you from the Queen City, where the Bull is back in an old familiar perch for this edition - sitting on the wicker furniture in the screened porch, enjoying the last vestiges of what's been a fantastic Memorial Day weekend. The last 72 hours have been absolutely fantastic, filled with food, laughs, family, and a return to normalcy. And while it's no stretch to call this amongst the tamest Memorial Day weekends Team Taylor has ever had, I would also call it one of the best, as today finds me at peace and restored after what was an emotional week. You've obviously read the title of this post and by extension know why the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster, but as this is being written for posterity and to educate future generations of Team Taylor, I am sitting down with the grief still fresh to try and capture as best I can one of the darker days Jenny and I've experienced in awhile. And I will do the "spoiler alert now" - based on the weekend we've got coming, the next post isn't likely to be much more uplifting than this one. But as they say: "It's not how many times you get knocked down - it's how many times you get back up." That's where we are now - in good spirits and ready to resume the quest. But to understand where we are and how we got there, I need to rewind to Tuesday, when Sammy the Bull had dinner with a good friend in Toronto.
Tuesday night I had dinner with a friend (she'll remain nameless, as I'm sure she doesn't want this public), and she told me that they'd recently had a miscarriage (I hadn't yet told her that we were expecting again). She then proceeded to tell me that she'd been 8.5 weeks (which was exactly what Jenny was at the time), and when she went in they told her: "Your baby's only tracking 5-6 weeks, and there's no heartbeat." Readers, I have no lie to tell - it was all I could do to conceal the immediate concern I had. Hearing something like that right before your wife goes in for her check-up was scary, but I told myself that everything would be fine. Jenny was sneezing her head off (apparently a potential pregnancy symptom), she still had the little hard spot on her belly, and everything appeared normal. I didn't tell JT about my friend's story when I got home. My view was there was no point in scaring her with something like that.
Fast forward to Thursday, where Jenny had her first OB-GYN visit to confirm that all was good. I was there. Jenny had called and confirmed that there would be no ultrasound on this one, and given that she was simply going to "pee in a cup and leave," we figured it was best if I just watch K this go-around. That decision will likely long haunt me, but it has also taught me the invaluable lessons that a) you NEVER know what's going to happen and should always be prepared, and b) I will NEVER leave my family alone when big news is coming there way.
The initial urine test confirmed that JT was in fact pregnant, and her doctor came in excited. Her doctor then said, "Since you've had to wait so long, we're going to do an ultrasound just to check on everything. When they started the ultrasound, the doctor said, "Wow, you're really early - 5-6 weeks." Jenny immediately knew something was wrong, as she'd been counting days and had us closer to 9 weeks. When Jenny told her that, the doctor's expression went from happy to concerned - especially when they couldn't find a heartbeat.
Jenny then had a 2nd ultrasound, and the results were much the same. T2 was tracking at 5-6 weeks, but the yolk sack was at 9 weeks. And given that you should DEFINITELY be hearing a heartbeat at 9 weeks, the writing was on the wall. For whatever reason, T2 had stopped progressing, and it was likely that he or she was no longer viable. I'm conscious that's a strange way to put it, but keeping it clinical has been one of the ways I've managed to process all this, and so I hope you'll forgive me if that sounds callous or cold.
For my part, I had been texting Jenny ever since her appointment start time. I knew that the staff had kept her waiting, and secretly I hoped that they'd surprise her with an ultrasound, as I thought that would be an incredibly special moment between mother and child with no one but the technician around. Instead I was outside doing sidewalk chalk with K when I received a response to my "how's it going?" text. Knowing that JT calls when it's good news and texts when it's bad news, the response: "About to get on 77 and will call in a few" filled me with dread. Truth be told, it filled me with more than that - when I read it, I already knew.
Jenny called shortly thereafter, and we talked through it. T2, who just a week ago we thought had been 8 weeks - the size of a kidney bean with webbed fingers and toes - was in all likelihood not going to make it. That led to a discussion of the week ahead - as well as the options for handling the miscarriage.
Some of you may know the options. Until Thursday, I did not. Option 1 is to wait until the body realizes that the pregnancy hasn't taken and then let it pass yourself. JT and I both had the same immediate thought - the waiting, followed by the eventual "birthing" of a child we'd never get to hold and love was too much, and it just wasn't a consideration. The second one was much the same but with the aid of medicine to accelerate the process. The third was a procedure called a D & C, which we've since learned a TON about. And while we originally thought #2 was the best idea, thanks to some wonderful friends that God has placed in our lives, we have now decided on the procedure. The date on it is TBD, but it will likely be this coming Wednesday or Thursday after our follow-up OB-GYN appt (they are going to check 1 final time for a heartbeat given that the yolk sack is still full).
No lie to tell and no way to sugar coat it - Thursday was ROUGH. At first, I was in shock. I was disappointed at first, but that quickly gave way to the realization that, no matter how bad I felt, Jenny had been ON HER OWN when she'd heard that news, elation and joy giving way to shock and sadness almost instantly. In retrospect, I cannot BELIEVE I was not at that appointment, and as I said earlier it will NOT be a mistake I make again. When she called and gave me the news, I failed her there as well, as I honestly didn't know what to say. My brain was simultaneously trying to process what I'd heard, process what that meant (meaning starting over again), and trying to think of what I could possibly say that would comfort Jenny (I can confirm I didn't perform well at any task), and the end result was a guy basically saying, "Ok, I'll talk to you when you get home." Jenny - when you do read this, please know how sorry I am that I couldn't think of what to say to make this easier. I love you so much, and I'm SO SORRY you had to go through that on your own. It will NOT happen again. EVER.
That night was spent on the screen porch, a few beers and a few tears helping us process the news, with shock giving way to sadness, which in turn gave way to acceptance. This in turn gave way to peace. The past 7 months had been tough, and conceiving this go-around hadn't been as easy as we'd thought. In fact, there had been moments that were extremely stressful, and those double lines back in April had been SUCH a relief. Now here we were, thinking we were done with the pre-natals, the day counting, the ovulation strips, the "advice on how best to conceive," the pressure of having another one, only to find out that the respite had been short lived and we were about to be hurled back into the fray. A miscarriage is painful on so many fronts - mentally, physically, emotionally - and Thursday night was a collision of all those simultaneously. Telling family who'd just 2 weeks before learned about the pregnancy was obviously rough, as was telling the few friends who already knew. But that is also where the healing began, as those friends stepped in to provide more solace and wisdom than we thought possible.
Simply put - we have an amazing group of people in our lives. We have always been blessed beyond measure, but you don't often realize it until you realize how much you need help. Jenny first talked to a friend who absolutely helped her make the right decision on the D & C, and the next day she and I both talked to folks who'd lived through this multiple times. Talking to them was informative, cathartic, but most of all - it was reassuring. They'd all been through what we'd been through or worse, and they'd all emerged on the other side with children. And just like that, within 24 hours Team Taylor had gone from shock and sadness to peace and purpose. Those tears were dried and we were ready to get JT's body back to normal so that we could start over.
that we are still both young, in good shape, clearly capable of getting pregnant, and should NOT be worried. And on that note, I should point out that today Team Taylor feels VERY good about things. It was a tough week - between this and some injuries, not a whole lot had gone according to script. But as I type this now, JT's had a doctor's appointment and has a tentative diagnosis. Sammy the Bull has just completed the Memorial Day 8 mile trail run. And we have just had an AMAZING and revitalizing weekend with family. Our spirits are up, our faith is strong, our love for one another deeper than ever, and above it all we realize how blessed with are with the many myriad gifts we've received through God. We know there's a plan. We know things happen for a reason. And we know that, should God decide Team Taylor needs to be "party of 4," that will happen. And if that is not the plan, then we have also realized that we are blessed beyond measure and have an absolutely angel sleeping upstairs in Kaitlyn Elaine Taylor. For my part, I admit that I was WAAAAAAAY too stressed last time and put WAAAAAAY too much pressure on myself. I don't think that's likely to happen this go around (for a lot of reasons), and mentally I'm in a much different place. BRING IT ON, I say - let the day counting begin!
Moving onto happier subjects, the weekend really was fantastic. Jenny's sister and brother-in-law made the drive up from Atlanta, and the weekend was a flurry of good friends, several new beers, lots of familiar beers, good laughs, the great trail run I mentioned earlier, and an overall refreshing of the spirit. I give the National Whitewater Center a lot of credit here, as that place holds a very special significance for me. It was this race last year that "returned me to the ring" in terms of road races and distance running, and this year's race served to further a newfound interest in trail/longer distance running while at the same time giving me what I needed more than anything - a chance to think and get back on track with a victory amidst a sea of knockdowns. Monday was an extra special treat, as a planned outing at the Sports Club pool ended with us at Jenny's friend Renee's for an impromptu pool party. K - newly decked out with her noodle and puddle jumper - LOVED THEIR POOL. Oh, and did I mention that it was heated? Yeah - considering that the community pools are like ice right now, that was pretty much the greatest thing ever. |
| No, she's not a viking. Yes, those are Uncle Matt's arms perfectly placed behind her. |
And last but not least - THE MUNCHKIN. Amidst all of this, she's continued to be our perfect little angel. Even when teething and pitching a fit (and to be clear - on Saturday we saw a meltdown unlike any we'd EVER experienced - this was Exorcist quality), she's still cute as a button. And if there is a silver lining in all that we went through last week and are going through this week, it's the reminder of just how incredible a miracle Kaitlyn is, and I found myself looking at her with fresh eyes this past weekend. Obviously I love that kid more than I EVER thought possible, but it's moments like what JT and I experienced this weekend that remind us of not only how precious a gift being a parent is, but more importantly how sacred this toddler period is. Truly, I found myself in the pool with her yesterday studying every inch of her face, trying to soak it all in and commit it to memory.
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| I mean seriously - does it get much cuter? |
On the development front, the puddle jumper that Jenny bought her (check those pics) has been GREAT and has really helped all of us in terms of K in the water. For starters, she's gaining more confidence about kicking and balancing herself. True, it took a minute to get used to the apparatus. 10 minutes in, however, and she was GOOD TO GO. Also, K's starting to memorize books now. I know that we'd previously mentioned the baby board book, but it's now spreading to other books in the library. She's learning them faster and faster (starting to memorize library books after only a few days now), and consequently I'm less upset when she says "No, dada" as I start trying to read things. I realize now that she wants to learn the pictures and "symbols" on the page, and with enough time and repetition she's capable of rattling through most of the book herself.
Ok, time for me to close this post. Full disclosure - I wrote this across 2 sessions, and so it's likely disjointed in terms of coherence and thought. However, as we sit here on the eve of the confirmation appointment before a planned 10:30 AM Thursday D & C, I wanted the events of the past week recounted for posterity while the emotions are still fresh. Some moments of this week will likely stay with me a long time, not the least of which was Kim's arrival (she's 5 months pregnant) and asking Kaitlyn: "What's in Aunt Kim's tummy?" K said, "A baby," and then followed with, "A baby in mommy's tummy, too." I knew that would happen at some point, and so I was glad it actually happened within 15 minutes of their arrival. And I will say that, after that, I do feel as though something of "the spell was broken," as the elephant in the room had been recognized, and we could then start to pick up the pieces together as a family. And also, seeing Kim and Matt so happy and knowing that their baby was continuing to grow strong and healthy did lift our spirits, as the promise of a cousin for K and a nephew for us is certainly a very exciting prospect.
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| Missy Franklin - BEWARE!!! |
Lastly, let me thank all of our friends for their texts, phone calls, and kind words. I know that none of you will ever read these words, but all the same I want to thank you for the advice, support, and love you've poured out. No man (or woman for that matter) is an island, and we would be lost adrift in the sea of life without all of you amazing people.Ok, time to call it a night. The next post will likely be one of the toughest I've ever written, as I'm going to attempt to catalogue our experience across what will likely be 2 terrible medical appointments. However, I never started this blog with the goal of capturing anything but the truth, and sometimes the truth just plain hurts. But hey - no rain, no rainbows. Speak soon.
Love,
Sam and Jenny
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